“What is wrong with me?”

In his lecture on Jan. 30 for Calvin’s January Series 2024, novelist, poet and professor (as referenced on his website) Daniel Bowman Jr. used this phrase to describe how many people who grow up with no understanding of the neurodivergent condition they’re living with feel. While I wish I was able to attend in person, I watched Bowman’s lecture online. During this talk, Bowman emphasized the importance of diverse, plentiful and more nuanced neurodivergent stories told by neurodivergent people, and how they are necessary to fight the loneliness, shame and confusion that many neurodivergent people experience when it feels like no one thinks like them. I believe that every individual — both neurotypical people and neurodivergent individuals —  needs to watch this talk. 

Bowman is an associate professor of English at Taylor University, editor-in-chief of “Relief: A Journal of Art and Faith” and a faculty advisor for Students for Education on Neurodiversity (SEND). He also is one of the speakers for Calvin’s Festival of Faith and Writing, which will take place this April.  A few weeks ago, he came to Calvin to speak about the importance of nuanced and more widespread representation of neurodivergent people. He specifically focused on autistic people, whose stories are often reduced to a few notable figures. 

As he read several passages from his 2021 book of memoir and essays, “On the Spectrum: Autism, Faith, and the Gifts of Neurodiversity,” Bowman addressed the necessity of diversity for representing autistic people within the arts, reflected on his journey to being diagnosed with autism at the age of 35 and discussed the relationship between autism and faith. 

At one point, Bowman described the journey of getting diagnosed with autism after years of wondering why his brain did not function like the people around him. Bowman said that “the word for autism does not always come up first,” and therefore autistic people often do not have an easy road to their diagnosis. They are frequently misdiagnosed with other mental illnesses and disorders, such as anxiety and depression. 

Bowman went on to talk about how it feels when a person notices that the way they think and act is different from the people around them. He said, “When you’re different from everyone else –– especially throughout childhood –– you tend to carry a lot of shame about that… because you don’t know what the reason is. You don’t know why you’re different.” After this, Bowman references the phrase that many people who are overwhelmed with shame about how their brain works think: “What is wrong with me?”

This question immediately reminded me of all the times I’ve thought this, going as far back to fourth grade when horrible thoughts began to play on repeat in my head no matter how many times I tried to quiet them. I do not have autism, so I have not faced the same experiences or obstacles as Bowman has.

However, as someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety, I am familiar with feeling like something was deeply wrong with me. As I discussed in my recent op-ed, I didn’t grow up knowing what OCD was. Even after I learned about OCD, the limited media representation I saw of it portrayed it as a one-dimensional illness, often as a joke. 

Eventually, though, I experienced that I was not alone when I began to meet and read about people whose minds worked like mine. 

Bowman describes a similar realization when, “after weeks of prayer and study,” he stumbled upon the word “autism” while going down an “ online rabbit hole.” 

“From the moment I began reading about autism, I realized it fit perfectly,” he said, which kickstarted an “enormous change” in the way he understood himself. “When you discover that there is a name for that thing that you have, and that it’s not a personal failure, but that this strange constellation of traits and characteristics and symptoms is real,” Bowman said, ”it can free you from that shame, and that’s a very powerful [thing].”

For Bowman, reading books about autism helped “confirm and affirm” him as he spent weeks reading books ranging from memoirs to clinical writing. From these books, Bowman said that he “gleaned understanding from each, and I grew toward greater self-knowledge.” After his diagnosis, Bowman found a lack of nuanced representation of autism discouraging. Temple Grandin, a world-renowned American academic and animal behaviorist, had a biopic made about her, which was released in 2010. She also has autism. According to Bowman, when he searched the phrase “autistic professor” after his diagnosis, “Nine of the 10 top results on page one were from or about Temple Grandin.”  

Bowman believes that Grandin’s work, ingenuity and legacy should be honored and respected, and I wholeheartedly agree. However, he pointed out that autistic representation should continue to grow, and not be limited to a small circle of individuals. 

The more diverse representation is within the autistic community, the more people feel supported and seen. Bowman referenced a CDC statistic that says that “about 1 in 36 children has been identified with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).” And this is not even referring to adults, nor does it include autistic children who have not been diagnosed with autism. Therefore, there is a significant number of people on the autistic spectrum, and as Bowman pointed out, it would be a disservice to not represent the wide range of people found within autism. Like Bowman said, we need to move beyond a “handful of iconic narratives.” 

I learned a lot about autism and the lack of representation (and misrepresentation) of the disorder thanks to Bowman’s powerful testimony and compelling arguments. He also pointed out how “the danger of a single story” (citing Adichie’s famous TED Talk) is clearly  present in the lack of nuanced representation of autism, and I would argue that Bowman would agree that the single story threat is also prevalent in all areas of life, including the wider neurodivergent community, which has been mischaracterized, villainized and dismissed for centuries. Stories like Bowman’s “On the Spectrum” counter the problems a single story poses for a diverse group like the neurodivergent community. 

Bowman illustrated how in seeing ourselves in the books we read, the shows and movies we watch and in the lessons we learn, shame becomes a less formidable enemy. 

This talk was not only a personal story, but also a call to all people, neurotypical and neurodivergent, to advocate for a wide variety of stories for all people, especially in terms of the neurodivergent community. 

Liana Hirner is a student fellow for the Center of Faith and Writing, which helps put on the Festival of Faith and Writing.