In an effort to more fully engage the student population, weekend programming will expand its hours to a new model they call “Always Programming.”  Paul England, coordinator of unorganized students, says this it to accommodate a student population that is “frequently listless and bored.”

Jean Britain, dean of campus overstimulation, agrees. “It used to be students had more evenings free than they knew what to do with,” Britain said while assembling a large trampoline for that afternoon’s obstacle course race. “Now they have free mornings, free afternoons, they wake up in the night with nothing to do.” She looked at the completed trampoline and sighed. “It’s our job to fix that.”

Hosting campus events at every hour of the day and night has proved to be a formidable challenge, but it’s one the Always Programming interns feel ready to handle. “At first it was hard to keep thinking of fresh, new events that people would be excited to attend,” said programming intern Laurel vanGroot. “But we think we’ve finally hit on some essentials that we can incorporate into every event, which will make our job easier.”

Britain and England have found that most students attend when events include food, money or bouncy things. It was this discovery that led to tonight’s event: a hot-dog-eating contest in a bounce castle for a prize of $100 cash.

Often, though, events are much less involved. From 2-5am each night a table is set up for students to paint their own birdhouse crafts, and octoball constitutes most of Tuesdays.

Reactions to the expanded programming have been mixed. “Now that I can look forward to an ultimate frisbee competition and a karaoke night in the same week, my life has purpose,” said sophomore Brittany Vander Kim.

First-year student Geoff DeVries was more hesitant. “I like these events and all, but having to choose between a MarioKart tournament and class is a major bummer.” Nor does he think all events are equally promising.

“That one where you had to climb to the top of the climbing wall while holding a pot of soup, that was just straight-up dangerous.”

Happy April Fools