In American Christian culture, there is a certain script as to how one is supposed to live their life, and it almost always involves getting married and having children. However, this perception of being a parent as the default mode of life creates an unhealthy social pressure that causes people to have kids when they shouldn’t or shame themselves when they are unable. We need to stop pretending like parenthood is the only way to serve God and live a meaningful life.

First off, let’s address the question of the divine mandate. Genesis 1:28 does tell us to “be fruitful and multiply,” but that command needs to be understood in context. That was given to Adam and Eve before the fall, when they were the only two people alive. The need for reproducing at that point was self-evident. There are now eight billion people on earth, two billion of which identify as Christian. The earth is full enough, and that commandment has already been accomplished. 

Some Christians also argue that having children is beneficial to the furtherance of the Gospel. When discussing my views with an acquaintance, they told me that if all the Christians stopped having kids, then Christianity would die out in the world if everyone else continued to do so. Although this view may seem out-there to some, while looking for potential counterarguments I stumbled upon a Christian blogger named Lori Alexander who attributes voluntarily childless Christians to what she perceives as losing ground in the culture war. This argument is wrong for two reasons. First, there is no guarantee that your children will share your values, as they will grow to be their own independent people with their own opinions, priorities and values. Simply having kids is no guarantee that the world will have more Christians in it or that those people will be good people. Secondly, that argument completely ignores the importance of evangelism. A childless person is still capable of spiritual parenthood in the form of introducing Christ to others.

Some of this evangelism and other important spiritual work might actually be done better by someone who is single or childless. For example, many jobs that provide amazing help to people who are impoverished pay very low wages on which a person could not effectively provide for a family. I would like to emphasize that Jesus himself is never depicted as having children because his ministry is the most important part of his life. Furthermore, I would also like to point out that every single member of the Catholic clergy also thinks that having a family isn’t as important as serving God in the area in which they are called.

The social pressure to have children can also be harmful. According to a study by Piotrowski et al. that was published in the Journal of Family Psychology in 2023, up to 15% of parents regret having kids. Parental regret is linked to burnout, depression and lower overall life satisfaction. Christian culture having a one-size-fits-all approach to family planning will inevitably lead some people to have kids because of social pressure as opposed to genuine interest, which could very easily become a decision that they regret.

Furthermore, there are some people who want to have kids but, for medical reasons, find themselves incapable of doing so. The hyperfixation on having children in some Christian circles leads people to internalize an immense amount of shame over something that they may have no control over. We need to stop pretending like having kids is the only way to live a meaningful and godly life because it isn’t. Perpetuating this myth causes many people an unnecessary amount of harm.

We are told that children are blessings, and I have no intention of discrediting that. What I would like to emphasize, however, is that there are many other things that are also blessings, such as marriage, evangelizing and serving others. God has different blessings in store for different people. Calvin, like many Christian universities, is a place where many people seem to meet their spouses, and for all prospective married couples, I would like to leave you with this: God does not require you to have kids, and you should never do so just because you are “supposed to.” Having kids or not is one of the most important decisions you can ever make, and you should only do it if you are sure God calls you to do so and that you can do it well. If you aren’t called to it, there is no shame in that. There are still countless ways that you can serve God well and be Christ’s agent of renewal in the world.